Note to Consumers! pt. 2

Relief has finally arrived for all of us who would like to cash in on the much-regarded benefits of Omega-3 fish oil, but recoil at the thought of a dead herring crawling back up the rathole ten minutes later. Target Brand Origins Omega-3 Odorless Fish Oil Capsules will deliver the same dose of Docosahexaenoic acid without the unpleasantness! For those not in the know, Docosahexaenoic acid (DHA) is the active ingredient in fish oil, which may as well be snake oil for the ailments it claims to cure: it supposedly reduces the effects of Alzheimer's, shrinks cancerous tumors, and it "has recently gained attention as a supplement for pregnant women, ... [with] improved attention and visual acuity" in infants.

Target knows they have a potential goldmine with this one, as is clear from the catchphrase in the cartoon bubble usually reserved for the "TNT" on a box of Roman Candles:

NOTE: Snake oil is also an actual Chinese remedy for joint pain.

the Sleeping Bag Challenge

I used to challenge my friends to the Sleeping Bag Challenge. The object was to enter the sleeping bag headfirst, then, when you reach the bottom, to turn around inside and make it back out headfirst. First one to fresh air was the winner. I remember thrashing around at the bottom of the sack, claustrophobic as hell, the air and skin becoming hot and moist with the creeping fear of getting stuck, which, as I grew older became a real threat*.

We've been in the middle of a two-week-long heat wave, or, in Austin, "May." It's 95 degrees outside (but it feels like 97). Last night, a sulfuric smell drifted down our street. I thought at first a sewer line had burst, but it was a bit too "eggy" and it didn't smell inside of the house. The night was breezy and the stink kept drifting in from the east. The cause is yet unsolved.

*The Sleeping Bag Challenge is not intended for mummy-style bags.

Note to Consumers!

Watch out for OFF! brand "Smooth & Dry Feels Comfortable Powder Dry Formula" bug repellent! Upon application, this stuff creates a dense sphere of extra-potent rubbing alcohol vapor. You might as well keep an open canister of tear gas in your breast pocket.


It smells pretty good when it dries, though.

Good Things Come in Groups of Three (legs)

Above the top-lefthand corner of my front door is a light. It's the low-wattage kind, the one that looks like it oozed out of a soft-serve ice cream machine. The light does a great job at deterring would-be burglars from acting out the following scenario:

1. break in
2. discover we own no gold, jewelry, tvs, dvds
3. not much in the fridge, either
4. punch holes in the walls out of spite

On top of keeping the security deposit safe, the light also acts as a watering hole for a smorgasbord of strange, huge, bugs. At any given moment one can walk outside at night and spy a giant locust, a grasshopper, a cockroach the size of a silver dollar, mosquitos, mosquito-eaters, june bugs, cicadas, moths, and the green anole lizards that feast on these delightful creatures. The other weekend we found this guy perched on the inside of the door frame:



As I proceeded to capture this insect using the "jar and postcard" method, I noticed a fresh cinnamon-like smell in the air. I gently nudged it into the jar (minding the antennae), carried the jar-with-bug into the kitchen, where my live-in girlfriend Alisha was, and asked if she was chewing Big Red. Negative. A whiff of the top of the jar and it was clear that this bug smells great.

Our first hypothesis was that it was a giant cockroach with the legs of a grasshopper. It was surprisingly hard to pinpoint the exact genus and species, even with internet searches such as "central texas cinnamon insect." Finally, we came across the profile of the Leaf-Footed Pine Seed bug (Leptoglossus corculus), a relatively harmless beast, considered a pest but not a threat in the Midwestern United States. They obtain their scent from the pine trees that they feed on, and reportedly smell terrible, spraying a foul stench of pine-tar on their attacker. This one must have been dwelling in my grandmother's potpourri cabinet, as I would gladly give it a home in a little dish in the bathroom.

Note: Cinnamon oil is a natural insect repellant, so perhaps this bug considered us potentially harmful insects.

Alisha and I were supposed to meet some friends at a nearby bar/coffeeshop/all-around-hangout, so we covered the top of our new friend's jar with wax paper, poked some holes, and took him along. We all sat in a circle, passed the bug-jar around to the left, and took hits off the top. If there was such thing as a smells-bong (working on it) I would gladly pack a bowl of this guy.

Here is the Leaf-Footed Pine Seed Bug at the Rio Rita Lounge, next to Texas's favorite, cheapest, beer, the Lone Star:

Austin, Tx

My city is this kind of city:



This city is my kind of city!

the Daily Special

I thought I would provide the reader with a brief report of my daily fragrances:

8:45 Breakfast. User-defined.

9:25 Walk to bus stop, pass construction site two houses down. Pine dust, usually. A rounded aroma, like being wrapped inside of the tree itself.

9:26 Next block, corpse-rot. Coming from the garbage can? Buried in the yard? Inside of the house, God forbid?

9:37-9:48 The "'Dillo" is Austin's free downtown shuttle, which conveniently operates in a straight line from my street to the front stoop of the restaurant in which I work. Being free, emissions from clientele typically swing from one end of the palette to the other. Depending on one's location within the tram, one may encounter the sickly residue of a night spent behind a dumpster, or the test-tubed, panel-approved cologne of a young professional. Tarred in bile and feathered in Toucan Sam's plumage, staring out the window.

9:49 The front of the restaurant typically smells great. Customers' plates steam like isolated little volcanic vents of maple syrup, egg, and hashed brown. I walk past, through the swinging steel door, and into

9:50 the back of the restaurant, which smells exactly like the cocktail that one would expect when combining those plates of food, plus a 5-gallon bucket of coleslaw, pickles, and ranch dressing, plus a multitude of cleaning detergents and topped with a dripping tube of hanging salami.

2:00 pm. Repeat process in reverse.

Of course this list is highly truncated, as a full report would take ages to compose.
Am looking forward to yours,
-ed

MagicLoon

Unfortunately, a chilly cold front combined with a brief yet convictive thunder-and-lightning storm made today less than ideal for outdoor scentsmelling. However, the indoors time allowed me to catch up on a few of my favorite emerging technologies. Simulated aroma, a notion which laid its roots almost a century ago, has been all but dormant since its introduction. The practice enjoyed a brief moment in the limelight with 1960's Scent of Mystery, the first and only film to ever make use of "Smell-O-Vision," a system that synced with the movie and released corresponding odors into the audience (the killer smokes a pipe). Its execution was filled with flaws, however, and its lackluster first impression sealed its fate. Thankfully, a few companies are now wielding the tiny torch left behind.

One of these companies is ScentTv. Giving a winked nod to every sci-fi movie in the"dystopian future" genre, they've adopted the slogan, "making you healthier, happier, and smarter." When you sign up with ScentTv ($27.95/mo), they will send you their Scent DomeTM and provide you with complimentary Scent DomeTM cartridge replacements and tech support, not to mention access to their three channels of Scent Enabled Content. Under the "MagicLoon" channel, a show titled "Don_t Touch My Bone" (sic) is available. The check is in the mail, friends!

Another fine company, DigiScents, is currently pursuing a blog-only business model powered by Google AdSense. However, their ownership of the DigiScents.com domain name will surely prove to be a wise investment.

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(0_0),
-ed